Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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