just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
