Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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