Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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