Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
