Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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