I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
