I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
