I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
