Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
