it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
