Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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