Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
