found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
