The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
