is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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