We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
