I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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