Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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