I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
