Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
