Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
