Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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