You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
