just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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