Your face is a jimmy john
i don't like sucking hair
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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