It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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