I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
