Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
