ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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