I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
