so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
