When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
