Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize