Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
