y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
