I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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