When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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