Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
