hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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