Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
