I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
