Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
