I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
