Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
