I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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