Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize