So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
