My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
