can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
