my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
