everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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