grandma shit on top of the toilet
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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