There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
