Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
