maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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